Crosscut exclusive! A conversation with Eliot Spitzer's Kristen!

FLIP SIDE: Thanks for agreeing to talk with us.

KRISTEN: Talk? Don't you want to spank me?

FLIP SIDE: No, we just want to interview you.

KRISTEN: You mean like phone sex, but in person?

FLIP SIDE: Not quite. You met Client Number 9 in Washington. Do you often travel to Washington?

KRISTEN: Not since the end of the Clinton administration. Republicans top out at $150 an hour. And they usually prefer boys.

FLIP SIDE: So, you usually work New York City.

KRISTEN: Mostly hedge fund guys. Two and Twenty. That's all they ever want. Two and Twenty. Two and Twenty. You want to do Two and Twenty?

FLIP SIDE: I'd rather hear about Client Number 9.

KRISTEN: He was a New Yorker, so he wanted to start with East Side, West Side, All Around the Town.

FLIP SIDE: How was that?

KRISTEN: Terrible. He got stuck in Murray Hill and couldn't get to Tribeca. I'd bet you get to Tribeca in five minutes, Big Fella!

FLIP SIDE: Depends on traffic. Now about Client Number 9?

KRISTEN: Then he started lecturing me on the evils of insider trading. Say, how would you like to get Six Sigmaed? Most of my business guys love to get Six Sigmaed. They say their wives won't do it.

FLIP SIDE: Let's get back to the insider-trading lecture.

KRISTEN: Most of the Emperor's Club girls can't stand it. They believe in the strong form of the efficient market hypothesis. This holds that even inside information is reflected in the current stock price. But, I was, like, hey, if you prefer the weak form of the efficient market hypothesis, it's your $1,000. Then we played some games.

If you like games, we could play Dodgeball. I've brought the salt cod and Helly Hansen slickers with me.

FLIP SIDE: You're prepared.

KRISTEN: It's part of the Emperor's Club VIP Total Quality Management Program (TQM).

FLIP SIDE: What games did you play with Client Number 9?

KRISTEN: First, I would pretend to be an illegal immigrant, and he would give me a driver's license. You like role-playing, you big stud? We could play dentist. I give great root canal.

FLIP SIDE: Did you play other games with Client Number 9?

KRISTEN: He liked to play Steamroller.

FLIP SIDE: Steamroller?

KRISTEN: He'd pretend he was a steamroller and I was Richard Grasso, or Joseph Bruno, or the entire New York State Legislature.

FLIP SIDE: How did you pretend to be the entire New York State Legislature?

KRISTEN: He told me just to act dumb and do nothing. I can pretend to be the high school principal if you want to play Escalator/Elevator.

FLIP SIDE: Sorry, we don't.

KRISTEN: What's this we stuff?

FLIP SIDE: It's the editorial we.

KRISTEN: If there is more than one, it's $2,000 an hour. How about some Pom-Pom Tom-Tom? I can even do Bumper Cars, since I brought the Spray 'n Wash and the Dundee Orange Marmalade.

FLIP SIDE: Bumper Cars with Spray 'n Wash and Dundee Orange Marmalade? You ought to be spanked.

KRISTEN: Go right ahead, Big Boy.

• Steve Clifford writes humor for Crosscut. In his unhumorous life, he was CEO of King Broadcasting and once played a role in saving New York City from bankruptcy.