The Seattle Diet: answers to all your questions

Since I posted The Seattle Diet™ a month weeks ago, I have been deluged with questions. The most common ones were: Q. How has The Seattle Diet™ with its patented Trace Element Balance™ (TEB) allowed thousands of grateful clients to obtain their desired weight without exercise and while eating everything they want? What is your secret? The secret is the relationship between Trace Elements and Hunger. The human body requires seven trace elements to produce neurotransmitters needed by the brain: copper, nickel, selenium, tin, iron, vanadium and zinc. If you run low on any of these, the brain sounds the alarm, "TRACE ELEMENT SHORTAGE. YOU ARE HUNGRY. EAT MORE FOOD." This is why you can still feel hungry after a double serving of White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle Torte. The brain may be sending the message, "SELENIUM SHORTAGE, YOU ARE HUNGRY, EAT MORE FOOD." But white chocolate leeches selenium from the pineal gland, so the more you eat, the hungrier you become. Q. How can I tell if I suffer from a Trace Element deficiency? Three-quarters of the patients who visit my upscale and conveniently located weight-loss clinics exhibit a deficiency in one or more of the elements needed for neurotransmitters. I recognize this immediately because of their behavioral symptoms. As shown in the table below, a trace-metal deficiency will affect neurotransmitters and produce abnormal, often offensive, behavior: Trace Metal Deficiencies and BehaviorTrace Metal
DeficiencyNeurotransmitter
AffectedNormal
BehaviorBehavioral
SymptomCopperNorepinephrineCourteousSurlyNickelAcetylcholineKindNastySeleniumDopamineObedientTruculentTinGlutamateCheerfulSullenIronSerotoninThriftyProfligateVanadiumEpinephrineBravePusillanimousZincAspartateReverentCynical
If you are both overweight and exhibit behavioral problems, you probably have a deficiency in neurotransmitter trace elements. At The ClipWeightLossClinic, I will quickly diagnose your problem. For example, if you are malicious and cowardly, a shortage of nickel and vanadium is indicated. If you are a glum, disagreeable spendthrift, you may need more tin, iron and selenium. Roger Davis came to my friendly, welcoming clinic complaining of weight gain. When I asked about his diet, he replied, "Up yours, you charlatan!" Roger's nastiness and weight gain indicated a deficiency in nickel. In later discussion, Roger admitted that recently he stopped chewing his athletic socks, an excellent source of nickel. I told Roger to swallow two nickel-cadmium battery rechargers each night at bedtime. We FIXED THE PROCESS. Roger not only lost his excess weight, People named him one of the 25 "nicest guys" in America. Sometimes I see patients who are courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, and reverent, but still overweight. In these cases, pancreatic and liver secretions are usually the problem. Last year, the entire state of Kansas came to my attractively priced clinic during National Silo Week. To a person, they were courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, and reverent, but grossly overweight. Because of Kansas' low level of industrial air pollution, they all exhibited dangerous deficiencies in cobalt, chromium, manganese, and molybdenum. I relocated them to Bayonne, NJ for two weeks and FIXED THE PROCESS. The women are now all perfect size sixes and do most of their shopping at Gucci and Hermés. Q. If I have a Trace Element deficiency, what is the right amount to add to my diet? Patients at my clinic often ask, "Doctor (I have them call me "Doctor" so I can charge more), what is the right amount of manganese or molybdenum?" Recommended levels of trace elements for common body types -- Bavarians, members of the House Armed Services Committee, and Ralph Nader -- can be found at my website, ClipMakesYouRichAndThin.com. Other body types should schedule at least ten visits to The Clip Weight Loss Clinic to obtain a personalized Seattle Diet™ plan. Q. Where can I obtain Trace Elements such as manganese or molybdenum?" A few national brands are beginning to offer Seattle Diet™-approved products. Anhueser-Busch is test-marketing Michelob Metallic, fortified with tin, iron and manganese, while Frito-Lay has added boron and nickel to Doritos and Tostitos. However, until supermarkets contain a full line of Seattle Diet™-approved products, you should rely on traditional sources that are shown below: Sources for Trace elements Boron: Tennis racquets*; green, leafy vegetables. Cobalt: Bride and Modern Bride magazines; cobalt-coated brandy snifters*. Copper: Brazil; brain fluids*. Chromium: Paid informants*; classic automobile, domestic, 1950s and 1960s*. Iron: Rap music; most starches, except short-grain rice*. Manganese: The Odyssey; Rustoleum*®. Molybdenum: Neocons (especially Wolfowitz and Perle)*; flooring (all types)*. Nickel: Athletic socks*; brussel sprouts (parboiled). Selenium: The Chicago White Sox; suspension bridges. Tin: Gypsies*; Gummi Bears*. Vanadium Large meteorites (post-Jurassic era)*; small meteorites (pre-Jurassic era)*. Zinc: GM ignition systems; drama critics*. *Available by mail order from ClipTraceElements, a subsidiary of ClipHealth. Q. How should I add Trace Elements to my diet? At the exquisite Clip Weight Loss Clinic, conveniently located above the Jiffy Lube® on Aurora Avenue North in Seattle, I design a personalized diet for you. For example, if you are lacking manganese, we would supplement your favorite foods with Rustoleum® and The Odyssey: Breakfast
Krispy Kreme® Maple Glazed Donut (2)
Double-tall Rustoleum® Latté Lunch
Bacon cheeseburger
The Odyssey, Fagels translation, Book 2: Telemachus Sets Sail (pp.93-107). You may add Pepto-Bismol® to aid with digestion. Afternoon snack
The Odyssey, Book 19: Penelope and Her Guest (pp. 390-409). Again, you may add Pepto-Bismol® or even Drano® to aid with digestion. Dinner
Dry Martini (2)
½ bottle white wine
½ bottle Rustoleum
1 bottle red wine
½ bottle vintage port (1963, 1970, or 1977) Because trace elements may affect your metabolism, appetite, and regularity, we add them gradually, taking three weeks to reach your maintenance levels. You should drink no fluids during the first week. You may experience a slight thirst. See this as a sign of progress. If you experience more serious symptoms such as death, or wanting to join the NRA, you may drink one 8 oz. glass of automatic transmission fluid with lunch. Q. After reaching my desired weight, what ongoing maintenance is needed? If you maintain the proper balance of trace elements, you should lose thirty to fifty pounds a week until you reach your desired weight. Upon reaching your desired weight, you can relax the rules and occasionally enjoy nonferrous ice cream. Dinner parties are not the problem they once were. Today, most hostesses can tell you in advance the trace-element content of the planned meal. If invited to a dinner party, call the hostess the day before and ask for a trace elements count, especially cobalt and nickel. Travel can be a challenge. Selenium is difficult to obtain if you are traveling to a city without a suspension bridge. And the best source of Vanadium, small meteorites, may be difficult to pack. But if you say "The hell with Selenium and Vanadium!" you will become a truculent coward. For this reason, I suggest you always carry a The Seattle Diet™ Travel Packâ'ꀞ¢ available at the stylish, trendy ClipWeightLossCenter nearest you, or from either ClipTravel or ClipHealth. "As Secretary of State, I travel a lot," advises my client, Condellezza Rice. "And meeting with Heads of State, Foreign Ministers, and campaign donors, I can't afford to be surly, sullen, truculent, or nasty. That's why I always carry a The Seattle Diet™ Travel Packâ'ꀞ¢. I wish my boss and Cheney carried one also." Q. Is this supposed to be funny? If you are Jewish, Irish, or African American, the answer is "yes." For all others, the answer is no.